Saturday, January 8, 2011
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The Birth of Eden
The intention behind sharing this intimate and intense video is in the hopes to inspire others to consider alternative choices for laboring and giving birth. What you will see in this video is not just a woman enduring a very challenging experience, but you will see that she is surrounded by caring women that have been there for her since she was 6 weeks pregnant. I am in a totally comfortable environment, laboring on a bed, in water, on a birth stool, and able to move and wander and tone as I feel the need. There is no pressure to speed things up, no mistrust in nature.
After months of research, classes, and deeply intentional preparation, Erik and I give our daughter the birth we believe that she deserves. We are blessed that we were able to have the birth we dreamed of, no matter how long and how hard, because we are aware that there are some situations where medical intervention is absolutely necessary. We do believe that part of our luck was in choosing Gentle Hands Midwifery and our tremendously loving doula, Mary Burgess.
And just look at the happy baby that came to be with us! If labor and birth weren't the rite of passage that they were, I'm not sure I would have the confidence that I have today. I am the mother I always wanted to be, not perfect in any way, but fierce and loyal and devoted. Every time I think back to those 2 days, I feel empowered. I feel as though I was given the opportunity to feel strong, omnipotent, alive, while simultaneously simply being a channel for Life. These qualities of a birthing experience contribute to an exquisite and contented post partum, which is one of the most sensitive eras of a woman's life. I am so grateful.
Thank you to the midwives of Gentle Hands Midwifery! Catriona, Eloisa, Kristin, and Beth! Thank you Mary! And thank you Eden!!
Video of Eden's Birth
After months of research, classes, and deeply intentional preparation, Erik and I give our daughter the birth we believe that she deserves. We are blessed that we were able to have the birth we dreamed of, no matter how long and how hard, because we are aware that there are some situations where medical intervention is absolutely necessary. We do believe that part of our luck was in choosing Gentle Hands Midwifery and our tremendously loving doula, Mary Burgess.
And just look at the happy baby that came to be with us! If labor and birth weren't the rite of passage that they were, I'm not sure I would have the confidence that I have today. I am the mother I always wanted to be, not perfect in any way, but fierce and loyal and devoted. Every time I think back to those 2 days, I feel empowered. I feel as though I was given the opportunity to feel strong, omnipotent, alive, while simultaneously simply being a channel for Life. These qualities of a birthing experience contribute to an exquisite and contented post partum, which is one of the most sensitive eras of a woman's life. I am so grateful.
Thank you to the midwives of Gentle Hands Midwifery! Catriona, Eloisa, Kristin, and Beth! Thank you Mary! And thank you Eden!!
The Birth of Eden from gardenofeden on Vimeo.
Video of Eden's Birth
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Eden Magnolia Moore
I am staring at the most beautiful face I have ever set my eyes upon. It's been days since Eden's birth and there is so much that is slipping from my memory that I am determined to take this moment and write about the most intense and life changing experience of my life.
It was around 4:30am of April 2nd that I could no longer sleep through the contractions. They were coming regularly, every 6 minutes or so, and they never really came further apart from that from that moment on. After some breakfast, Erik and I enjoyed a walk through Whatcom Falls Park and hugged through each contraction. They were very manageable at this point but it did take all my attention from everything else.
The day wore on and by the afternoon the contractions hadn't changed much in duration or frequency, but they were beginning to increase in intensity. I began to get frustrated with how slow things were moving along and didn't want to be up all night if I could avoid it, so I called my doula, Mary Burgess, and asked her for some advice on how to get things moving along. I tried nipple stimulation and circular hip movements for half an hour. There wasn't much of a change so I sat down in surrender, knowing that labor has its own timing and I just needed to trust it would unfold as it should.
By 5pm the contractions were intense enough that between them I was experiencing total bliss. I danced for about an hour to my early labor playlist, mostly happy upbeat songs and some reggae. I could tell I was surging with oxytocin because I felt like I had taken ecstasy; everything was softer and I felt very sensitive and easily moved. I even began to get weepy over the littlest of things. I just kept dancing and rubbing my big belly, talking to my little girl and telling her we were going to meet soon.
I could no longer do normal activities. We tried watching an episode of Mad Men and I have no recollection of what happened in it. I called Mary again and told her how I was feeling and that although I knew it wasn't time to go to the Birth Center, I just didn't know what to do with myself. So she came over and danced with me between contractions.
When contractions weren't coming any sooner together, Mary decided it would be a good idea to leave for a while and let Erik and I try and labor alone to see if it would pick back up. We took a bath and I unraveled my Birth Bundle. Erik and I put on our original wooden engagement rings and put our heads together through more contractions. The water felt great but it didn't do much in the way of pain, just relaxation.
After our bath, Erik lit all the candles in the lanterns on the walls in our bedroom and we lay together in bed surrounded by candle light. We held each other and my belly and talked to Eden. It was an exquisite moment inside an intensifying situation. When I realized that I couldn't just lay down anymore, we went back into the living room to ride out some more waves. When I felt a new contraction coming, I would tell Erik and he would rush to me, wherever I was pacing, and hold me as I toned into his shoulder. I moaned from a primal place, from within the ancient knowing. It allowed me to release the pain and kept me breathing wide and long.
Around 10pm I stood up to endure a contraction and with it my water broke. I ran to the bathroom to check it out and my mucus plug had come with it. There it was! Finally. Now we were cookin'.
I knew to expect the sensations to intensify even more with the breaking of the waters. I didn't care, I was so happy to be moving along. I knew now for sure that I would meet my baby within hours, not days.
Mary came over to check on me and we all decided it was time to go to the Birth Center. Contractions were coming at 3 minutes apart now and lasting the full 60 seconds, and I was beginning to fully dread the next one to come. I was beginning to leave behind my mind and enter Laborland. Eloisa, a Gentle Hands midwife, asked us to meet her at the birth center by 11. I remember laughing and counting how many more contractions I would have to endure before we left. We all had a chuckle at the reality of it.
When it was time to go, I remember Mary said I should have a contraction right before getting in the car so it would be one less while driving. She held me as I toned as quietly as possible. Then we were off!
After one contraction in the car, and one right upon getting out, were were inside the birth center. The lights were incredibly dim and I felt right at home when we entered the room where Eden was to be born. I was so happy to be there. I was so glad to have made this progress.
Eloisa checked my dilation and to my dismay I was only 2 centimeters. But I was totally effaced, she said my cervix was as thin as paper and not to be discouraged by the dilation. Soon another midwife, Beth arrived. Erik put on my labor playlist called "Love Songs" which are all the songs Erik put in mixes for me when we were dating. The first song came on, "Union" by Peter Gabriel. "...in the blood of Eden lie the woman and the man..." and before we knew it Erik and I were slow dancing to "Magnolia" by JJ Cale, a song that inspired us over a year ago to ponder what we would name a girl if we ever got pregnant. When I had a contraction, however, I could no longer hear the song.
I was really struggling now. The pain was outrageous and I put every effort I could into not suffering, but I was beginning to suffer. I was experiencing a double whammy of two different kinds of back labor. Baby's head was posterior and rubbing up against my sacrum with each contraction, and I also have menstrual cramps in my back so that is where I experienced most of the pain. In order to try and move baby, Eloisa had me get on all fours on the bed, leaning my chest into the bed with my bum in the air while Mary jiggled my belly with a long sheet. This was an experience of true suffering for me. It needed to be done but it took everything I had.
Soon I was laboring in the warmth of the tub. It did not provide the relief I was hoping for, but it gave me a place to fully rest between the pain. I would lay on my side and drift off into another place and forget about what was to come. Then I'd feel my belly tighten and the pain arrive in my back and I would get up and endure the contraction in a squatting position. I could feel, deep inside, my cervix splitting open, pulling upward to release the baby's head into the canal.
Still, Erik was there for every single one. He would let me hug his neck and tone loudly into his ears. He felt my pain and he took it inside of him. When I looked at his face I could see it killing him to see me suffer so much, but I also saw his steadfast belief in me. When another would come, I'd say "oh noooooo." and he'd tell me "You can do it, you can do this one," and he'd hold me and look into my eyes and give me a fierce look of love and determination. Mary would say, "Look into his eyes. Look into your honey's eyes." And I would, and it would transform the suffering into enduring if only for a moment. And any moment, no matter how small, was relief.
Eloisa checked my dilation while I was in the tub. She said I was just about 5 and a half centimeters. Again, this left me feeling defeated, knowing that pain gets at its worst around 8 centimeters. Someone suggested I get out of the tub and walk around. So Erik helped me up and he lead me out the birthing room and into the hallway, where we heard the howling of another woman in the next room. Someone was giving birth right then and there! Within seconds, we heard the cries of a newly born baby and the ecstatic gasps of a woman in love and in relief. Mary and Erik and I looked at each other in awe as we realized what we just witnessed. It was a powerful reminder that this was why I was here and that it was my turn next.
When the next one came, I ran back into the room and held onto someone. I can't remember who. I didn't know if I could do it anymore. I went back to the tub and I flailed about now. I began losing control of myself as a person and as a body. My body did what it needed to do. I flailed and I howled and I toned.
Soon the contractions were getting much longer and sometimes would leave me with very little rest in between. They were about 90 seconds at times and sometimes I'd have to keep going, right into another one. I was losing it. I told Erik and Mary that I wanted to go to the hospital. I wanted relief. I told them I didn't think it was supposed to hurt this badly. It just wasn't. An ecstatic birth was impossible. How did women have an ecstatic birth?! If they could, then it wasn't supposed to hurt like this. But I didn't say the code word. I heard it in my head, Just say 'rocket' and you can go to the hospital. Just say it and you can go! But I didn't say it. I just let myself whine about needing relief. And they would tell me that I just needed to get through the next one and not think about anything beyond that. So I did.
I felt my face get tingly and I knew that I was probably hyperventilating. Much of my toning had turned into gasping and I knew I needed to stop doing that, but it's just the way it was. Between contractions I puffed out my exhalation very slowly and gently at the suggestion of someone, whom I can't remember..
And then my belly began pushing. Wait, I'm pushing?! I was thinking. I announced that I was pushing and I couldn't help it. I heard Eloisa from across the room telling me that it was probably okay to just let my body do what it wanted to do. So for the next several contractions I let my belly heave, as if I had a choice! It heaved and with it emerged and entirely new guttural moan. It was a pushing moan as ancient as the human race. I was beginning to expel my baby.
When Eloisa heard my moans deepening and becoming the entire contraction, she said she thought it was time to check my dilation. Beth came over and checked me in the tub and her eyes widened as she said, "You are completely dilated and your baby is really low!" I get goosebumps just re-entering this moment in my memory because this is when my whole attitude changed. This is when I knew I was going to give birth to my daughter naturally and non-violently, the way nature intended, and the way she deserved.
I heard Eloisa calling another midwife, Catriona to go ahead and head over because I was about to give birth.
So when a new contraction came, I'd lift my heavy body up from the water and squat, and Erik would take my forearms and I'd take his and my body would heave the baby down as I moaned from deep within. And I could feel her moving down. After each contraction, I'd reach into my vagina and feel just how much I moved her down. I could feel my precious little baby's head and all of it was just so crystal clear how it was happening. That it was happening. I heard the hail falling during my moments of rest. I felt the storm.
This went on for about an hour when I began to get discouraged again. Yes, she was definitely moving down, but very slowly. Someone suggested that I sit on the birthing stool so that I didn't have to hold myself up anymore and could use more energy for pushing. I was all for it. Erik helped me up and guided me toward the birthing stool. I cannot describe what it feels like to 'walk' with something so large so low inside my body. But I made it to the stool just in time to push push push that baby incredibly lower. It made all the difference. I just gripped the stool and pushed with my body's commands. And there was so much relief from the pain with the pushing. I was no longer suffering, I was pushing my baby out.
Soon I felt the sensation of her crowning, the 'ring of fire.' My eyes got wide with each push during that contraction and sometimes I screamed. Eloisa and Beth encouraged me to not push during the next contraction but to just grunt it out. I didn't know if it was possible but I managed to try. This may have been one of the most difficult parts of the entire experience. To not push when my body was pushing? For some moments it worked and for some my body still pushed with all its might. Someone told me I would need to get on all fours on the bed to give birth to prevent tearing and that I should try and have one more contraction where I didn't push very much. I could feel the excitement all around me and the energy change within the room. Everyone was getting ready for me to have this baby and everyone was wide awake, although it was close to 8 in the morning.
And although it was hard, it just didn't matter anymore. I was doing whatever they said. I trusted everything they suggested religiously. I was going to meet our baby soon! And I could see Erik watching as her head tried to emerge. I said, "It's time now for me to get on the bed. I'm going to push her out now!" And no one argued. I got up with the bowling ball between my legs and got on my hands and knees on the bed. Erik excitedly asked me where he wanted me, and I told him right in front of him because I needed him. So he pressed his forehead against mine as I pushed and heaved and screamed as I felt the stretching of my yoni. "Can I push her head out yet?" I asked whoever would answer. I heard some form of approval, and I gave it everything I had. There was no worrying about tearing anymore. It just didn't matter.
POW her head finally slid out and I felt the rush of relief and love that women talk about when the head emerges. I saw Erik's face and it was covered in tears. With several more pushes, I pushed the rest of her out and felt the most exquisite of all relief as her entire being was born. Suddenly the entire room was flooded with sunshine. It left as quickly as it came.
Someone placed her right below me and Erik and I touched her and cried together and were begging to figure out how to get her on me, skin to skin. Erik asked why she wasn't crying and I told him not to worry, she was cooing anyway. I knew she was fine. I never questioned it.
Someone set up some pillows to my right and told me to sit down, and they handed her to me and I felt the umbilical cord, still attached to me inside. Eden was born and she was on my belly and the whole room was alive. I did it. I really really did it!! I did it because of every single person in the room, especially my Erik. We did it.
It was around 4:30am of April 2nd that I could no longer sleep through the contractions. They were coming regularly, every 6 minutes or so, and they never really came further apart from that from that moment on. After some breakfast, Erik and I enjoyed a walk through Whatcom Falls Park and hugged through each contraction. They were very manageable at this point but it did take all my attention from everything else.
The day wore on and by the afternoon the contractions hadn't changed much in duration or frequency, but they were beginning to increase in intensity. I began to get frustrated with how slow things were moving along and didn't want to be up all night if I could avoid it, so I called my doula, Mary Burgess, and asked her for some advice on how to get things moving along. I tried nipple stimulation and circular hip movements for half an hour. There wasn't much of a change so I sat down in surrender, knowing that labor has its own timing and I just needed to trust it would unfold as it should.
By 5pm the contractions were intense enough that between them I was experiencing total bliss. I danced for about an hour to my early labor playlist, mostly happy upbeat songs and some reggae. I could tell I was surging with oxytocin because I felt like I had taken ecstasy; everything was softer and I felt very sensitive and easily moved. I even began to get weepy over the littlest of things. I just kept dancing and rubbing my big belly, talking to my little girl and telling her we were going to meet soon.
I could no longer do normal activities. We tried watching an episode of Mad Men and I have no recollection of what happened in it. I called Mary again and told her how I was feeling and that although I knew it wasn't time to go to the Birth Center, I just didn't know what to do with myself. So she came over and danced with me between contractions.
When contractions weren't coming any sooner together, Mary decided it would be a good idea to leave for a while and let Erik and I try and labor alone to see if it would pick back up. We took a bath and I unraveled my Birth Bundle. Erik and I put on our original wooden engagement rings and put our heads together through more contractions. The water felt great but it didn't do much in the way of pain, just relaxation.
After our bath, Erik lit all the candles in the lanterns on the walls in our bedroom and we lay together in bed surrounded by candle light. We held each other and my belly and talked to Eden. It was an exquisite moment inside an intensifying situation. When I realized that I couldn't just lay down anymore, we went back into the living room to ride out some more waves. When I felt a new contraction coming, I would tell Erik and he would rush to me, wherever I was pacing, and hold me as I toned into his shoulder. I moaned from a primal place, from within the ancient knowing. It allowed me to release the pain and kept me breathing wide and long.
Around 10pm I stood up to endure a contraction and with it my water broke. I ran to the bathroom to check it out and my mucus plug had come with it. There it was! Finally. Now we were cookin'.
I knew to expect the sensations to intensify even more with the breaking of the waters. I didn't care, I was so happy to be moving along. I knew now for sure that I would meet my baby within hours, not days.
Mary came over to check on me and we all decided it was time to go to the Birth Center. Contractions were coming at 3 minutes apart now and lasting the full 60 seconds, and I was beginning to fully dread the next one to come. I was beginning to leave behind my mind and enter Laborland. Eloisa, a Gentle Hands midwife, asked us to meet her at the birth center by 11. I remember laughing and counting how many more contractions I would have to endure before we left. We all had a chuckle at the reality of it.
When it was time to go, I remember Mary said I should have a contraction right before getting in the car so it would be one less while driving. She held me as I toned as quietly as possible. Then we were off!
After one contraction in the car, and one right upon getting out, were were inside the birth center. The lights were incredibly dim and I felt right at home when we entered the room where Eden was to be born. I was so happy to be there. I was so glad to have made this progress.
Eloisa checked my dilation and to my dismay I was only 2 centimeters. But I was totally effaced, she said my cervix was as thin as paper and not to be discouraged by the dilation. Soon another midwife, Beth arrived. Erik put on my labor playlist called "Love Songs" which are all the songs Erik put in mixes for me when we were dating. The first song came on, "Union" by Peter Gabriel. "...in the blood of Eden lie the woman and the man..." and before we knew it Erik and I were slow dancing to "Magnolia" by JJ Cale, a song that inspired us over a year ago to ponder what we would name a girl if we ever got pregnant. When I had a contraction, however, I could no longer hear the song.
I was really struggling now. The pain was outrageous and I put every effort I could into not suffering, but I was beginning to suffer. I was experiencing a double whammy of two different kinds of back labor. Baby's head was posterior and rubbing up against my sacrum with each contraction, and I also have menstrual cramps in my back so that is where I experienced most of the pain. In order to try and move baby, Eloisa had me get on all fours on the bed, leaning my chest into the bed with my bum in the air while Mary jiggled my belly with a long sheet. This was an experience of true suffering for me. It needed to be done but it took everything I had.
Soon I was laboring in the warmth of the tub. It did not provide the relief I was hoping for, but it gave me a place to fully rest between the pain. I would lay on my side and drift off into another place and forget about what was to come. Then I'd feel my belly tighten and the pain arrive in my back and I would get up and endure the contraction in a squatting position. I could feel, deep inside, my cervix splitting open, pulling upward to release the baby's head into the canal.
Still, Erik was there for every single one. He would let me hug his neck and tone loudly into his ears. He felt my pain and he took it inside of him. When I looked at his face I could see it killing him to see me suffer so much, but I also saw his steadfast belief in me. When another would come, I'd say "oh noooooo." and he'd tell me "You can do it, you can do this one," and he'd hold me and look into my eyes and give me a fierce look of love and determination. Mary would say, "Look into his eyes. Look into your honey's eyes." And I would, and it would transform the suffering into enduring if only for a moment. And any moment, no matter how small, was relief.
Eloisa checked my dilation while I was in the tub. She said I was just about 5 and a half centimeters. Again, this left me feeling defeated, knowing that pain gets at its worst around 8 centimeters. Someone suggested I get out of the tub and walk around. So Erik helped me up and he lead me out the birthing room and into the hallway, where we heard the howling of another woman in the next room. Someone was giving birth right then and there! Within seconds, we heard the cries of a newly born baby and the ecstatic gasps of a woman in love and in relief. Mary and Erik and I looked at each other in awe as we realized what we just witnessed. It was a powerful reminder that this was why I was here and that it was my turn next.
When the next one came, I ran back into the room and held onto someone. I can't remember who. I didn't know if I could do it anymore. I went back to the tub and I flailed about now. I began losing control of myself as a person and as a body. My body did what it needed to do. I flailed and I howled and I toned.
Soon the contractions were getting much longer and sometimes would leave me with very little rest in between. They were about 90 seconds at times and sometimes I'd have to keep going, right into another one. I was losing it. I told Erik and Mary that I wanted to go to the hospital. I wanted relief. I told them I didn't think it was supposed to hurt this badly. It just wasn't. An ecstatic birth was impossible. How did women have an ecstatic birth?! If they could, then it wasn't supposed to hurt like this. But I didn't say the code word. I heard it in my head, Just say 'rocket' and you can go to the hospital. Just say it and you can go! But I didn't say it. I just let myself whine about needing relief. And they would tell me that I just needed to get through the next one and not think about anything beyond that. So I did.
I felt my face get tingly and I knew that I was probably hyperventilating. Much of my toning had turned into gasping and I knew I needed to stop doing that, but it's just the way it was. Between contractions I puffed out my exhalation very slowly and gently at the suggestion of someone, whom I can't remember..
And then my belly began pushing. Wait, I'm pushing?! I was thinking. I announced that I was pushing and I couldn't help it. I heard Eloisa from across the room telling me that it was probably okay to just let my body do what it wanted to do. So for the next several contractions I let my belly heave, as if I had a choice! It heaved and with it emerged and entirely new guttural moan. It was a pushing moan as ancient as the human race. I was beginning to expel my baby.
When Eloisa heard my moans deepening and becoming the entire contraction, she said she thought it was time to check my dilation. Beth came over and checked me in the tub and her eyes widened as she said, "You are completely dilated and your baby is really low!" I get goosebumps just re-entering this moment in my memory because this is when my whole attitude changed. This is when I knew I was going to give birth to my daughter naturally and non-violently, the way nature intended, and the way she deserved.
I heard Eloisa calling another midwife, Catriona to go ahead and head over because I was about to give birth.
So when a new contraction came, I'd lift my heavy body up from the water and squat, and Erik would take my forearms and I'd take his and my body would heave the baby down as I moaned from deep within. And I could feel her moving down. After each contraction, I'd reach into my vagina and feel just how much I moved her down. I could feel my precious little baby's head and all of it was just so crystal clear how it was happening. That it was happening. I heard the hail falling during my moments of rest. I felt the storm.
This went on for about an hour when I began to get discouraged again. Yes, she was definitely moving down, but very slowly. Someone suggested that I sit on the birthing stool so that I didn't have to hold myself up anymore and could use more energy for pushing. I was all for it. Erik helped me up and guided me toward the birthing stool. I cannot describe what it feels like to 'walk' with something so large so low inside my body. But I made it to the stool just in time to push push push that baby incredibly lower. It made all the difference. I just gripped the stool and pushed with my body's commands. And there was so much relief from the pain with the pushing. I was no longer suffering, I was pushing my baby out.
Soon I felt the sensation of her crowning, the 'ring of fire.' My eyes got wide with each push during that contraction and sometimes I screamed. Eloisa and Beth encouraged me to not push during the next contraction but to just grunt it out. I didn't know if it was possible but I managed to try. This may have been one of the most difficult parts of the entire experience. To not push when my body was pushing? For some moments it worked and for some my body still pushed with all its might. Someone told me I would need to get on all fours on the bed to give birth to prevent tearing and that I should try and have one more contraction where I didn't push very much. I could feel the excitement all around me and the energy change within the room. Everyone was getting ready for me to have this baby and everyone was wide awake, although it was close to 8 in the morning.
And although it was hard, it just didn't matter anymore. I was doing whatever they said. I trusted everything they suggested religiously. I was going to meet our baby soon! And I could see Erik watching as her head tried to emerge. I said, "It's time now for me to get on the bed. I'm going to push her out now!" And no one argued. I got up with the bowling ball between my legs and got on my hands and knees on the bed. Erik excitedly asked me where he wanted me, and I told him right in front of him because I needed him. So he pressed his forehead against mine as I pushed and heaved and screamed as I felt the stretching of my yoni. "Can I push her head out yet?" I asked whoever would answer. I heard some form of approval, and I gave it everything I had. There was no worrying about tearing anymore. It just didn't matter.
POW her head finally slid out and I felt the rush of relief and love that women talk about when the head emerges. I saw Erik's face and it was covered in tears. With several more pushes, I pushed the rest of her out and felt the most exquisite of all relief as her entire being was born. Suddenly the entire room was flooded with sunshine. It left as quickly as it came.
Someone placed her right below me and Erik and I touched her and cried together and were begging to figure out how to get her on me, skin to skin. Erik asked why she wasn't crying and I told him not to worry, she was cooing anyway. I knew she was fine. I never questioned it.
Someone set up some pillows to my right and told me to sit down, and they handed her to me and I felt the umbilical cord, still attached to me inside. Eden was born and she was on my belly and the whole room was alive. I did it. I really really did it!! I did it because of every single person in the room, especially my Erik. We did it.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Standing On the Edge of Parenthood
I had so many plans for myself this week, being 37 weeks pregnant and finally off work! But my To-Do list sits in front of me unchecked as I have a pity party, home sick with a cold I have officially surrendered to. With puffy hands and fish lips, I sit weighing an extra 39 pounds while our sweet baby rumbles around like a mystery creature renting my womb. Hey honey, your lease is up soon! And we can't wait to meet you.
I figured since I've watched my share of television in the last 5 days, I could do something a little more productive while sitting in a pregnant heap. My harp goes un-played and my knitting projects stay un-knitted from the splendor of pregnancy induced carpal tunnel, but typing is a hand activity my fingers don't seem to resist. So here it goes, Blog, here's our update.
Erik and I were married August 1st 2009.
Absolutely one of the happiest days of my life.
We have been in love now, 2 years today, and since that day I cannot count all the happiest days of my life. Wow, Erik, I really mean that. You have enriched my life to every edge and corner. I treasure our union with humbling gratitude...
Four days before our wedding makes it to the list of happiest-days-of-my-life. The day I found out I was pregnant! It was supposed to be impossible. I had accepted that I may never be a parent to my own flesh and blood, and I had moved on. But there was no doubt that day as my body screamed to me it was pregnant. It screamed to me from dreams in an unsymbolic language. Straight up English -- "Take a damn pregnancy test!"
I jumped up and down and screamed when I read the positive test and yelled out the answer to Erik. Then I got dizzy and had to lay down.
So there it begins.
I was so excited when I was beginning to 'show', but I can't help but giggle at what I thought was a Belly at 8 weeks:
According to our calculations, this is the weekend we conceived our little rumbler! The weekend of July 4th:
That gave us the due date of March 30th, which I never thought would come. Today, I am inside March 11th and I can't believe will be born as parents any day now!
At eighteen weeks, I thought I had ballooooned!!
At 20 weeks, we were blessed with a 45 minute long peak at our little miracle. It was the day we found out we were having a healthy little girl!
I can't remember what exactly lead us into the hands of Gentle Hands Midwifery. I don't remember ever seriously considering an obstetrician, yet I don't recall where in my life I was drawn towards midwifery. I knew nothing about it, and yet it wasn't even a decision that needed to be made. But, alas, all my research has confirmed for me that it is the most conscious and loving decision we could ever make for our unborn. And I love all three of those midwives like crazy.
It's strange, all the unavoidable psychological changes that take place during pregnancy. It's almost as though it's against your will. I went from passionately wanting to produce electronic music to finding myself knitting.
KNITTING!
I couldn't help it. I was knitting, and I was investigating how to go about getting a harpsicle harp. My personality had no say in any of this. And I wasn't about to fight the current.
Some of my proudest knitting projects include:
Newborn longies
6 mo booooties
Hooded Baby Carrying Bag
I admit that this pregnancy has been the most intense rollercoaster of my life. I admit that at one point I reached my darkest hour that lasted for weeks. But it was that era of this time that provoked the growth of finding the inner strength I had been searching for my whole life. And it was because it got so dark that I fell so deeply in love with our daughter. I trust that this experience will continue to show me just how strong I can be, and exactly what is most important.
From week 25 on, I have experienced more love and joy than I knew possible.
26 weeks
29 weeks
33 weeks
35 weeks
36 weeks
37 weeks
It's hard to even fit a summary of the last 9 months into a blog entry and I have so much more I'd like to say and share with the world about it. Sometimes I wish I had written more as it was all happening, but I rarely reflected with writing. It's a big realization, too, to think that I will be so busy as a new mother in the next 5 years that I don't know how much commitment to anything besides motherhood I can offer to any of my hobbies and interests. This is it; Erik and I are about to embark on the biggest 'project' of our lives.
We've given a lot of attention to that fact, together, and have cherished these last few weeks with all that it deserves. It is just us for only a little while longer. As anxious as we are to meet our tiny baby, we are acknowledging what we let go of the moment she makes it into our arms. It's bittersweet and wonderful and frightening. It's all a part of our path together, and it's time for the next step. We're about to find out just how big love can get.
I figured since I've watched my share of television in the last 5 days, I could do something a little more productive while sitting in a pregnant heap. My harp goes un-played and my knitting projects stay un-knitted from the splendor of pregnancy induced carpal tunnel, but typing is a hand activity my fingers don't seem to resist. So here it goes, Blog, here's our update.
Erik and I were married August 1st 2009.
Absolutely one of the happiest days of my life.
We have been in love now, 2 years today, and since that day I cannot count all the happiest days of my life. Wow, Erik, I really mean that. You have enriched my life to every edge and corner. I treasure our union with humbling gratitude...
Four days before our wedding makes it to the list of happiest-days-of-my-life. The day I found out I was pregnant! It was supposed to be impossible. I had accepted that I may never be a parent to my own flesh and blood, and I had moved on. But there was no doubt that day as my body screamed to me it was pregnant. It screamed to me from dreams in an unsymbolic language. Straight up English -- "Take a damn pregnancy test!"
I jumped up and down and screamed when I read the positive test and yelled out the answer to Erik. Then I got dizzy and had to lay down.
So there it begins.
I was so excited when I was beginning to 'show', but I can't help but giggle at what I thought was a Belly at 8 weeks:
According to our calculations, this is the weekend we conceived our little rumbler! The weekend of July 4th:
That gave us the due date of March 30th, which I never thought would come. Today, I am inside March 11th and I can't believe will be born as parents any day now!
At eighteen weeks, I thought I had ballooooned!!
At 20 weeks, we were blessed with a 45 minute long peak at our little miracle. It was the day we found out we were having a healthy little girl!
I can't remember what exactly lead us into the hands of Gentle Hands Midwifery. I don't remember ever seriously considering an obstetrician, yet I don't recall where in my life I was drawn towards midwifery. I knew nothing about it, and yet it wasn't even a decision that needed to be made. But, alas, all my research has confirmed for me that it is the most conscious and loving decision we could ever make for our unborn. And I love all three of those midwives like crazy.
It's strange, all the unavoidable psychological changes that take place during pregnancy. It's almost as though it's against your will. I went from passionately wanting to produce electronic music to finding myself knitting.
KNITTING!
I couldn't help it. I was knitting, and I was investigating how to go about getting a harpsicle harp. My personality had no say in any of this. And I wasn't about to fight the current.
Some of my proudest knitting projects include:
Newborn longies
6 mo booooties
Hooded Baby Carrying Bag
I admit that this pregnancy has been the most intense rollercoaster of my life. I admit that at one point I reached my darkest hour that lasted for weeks. But it was that era of this time that provoked the growth of finding the inner strength I had been searching for my whole life. And it was because it got so dark that I fell so deeply in love with our daughter. I trust that this experience will continue to show me just how strong I can be, and exactly what is most important.
From week 25 on, I have experienced more love and joy than I knew possible.
26 weeks
29 weeks
33 weeks
35 weeks
36 weeks
37 weeks
It's hard to even fit a summary of the last 9 months into a blog entry and I have so much more I'd like to say and share with the world about it. Sometimes I wish I had written more as it was all happening, but I rarely reflected with writing. It's a big realization, too, to think that I will be so busy as a new mother in the next 5 years that I don't know how much commitment to anything besides motherhood I can offer to any of my hobbies and interests. This is it; Erik and I are about to embark on the biggest 'project' of our lives.
We've given a lot of attention to that fact, together, and have cherished these last few weeks with all that it deserves. It is just us for only a little while longer. As anxious as we are to meet our tiny baby, we are acknowledging what we let go of the moment she makes it into our arms. It's bittersweet and wonderful and frightening. It's all a part of our path together, and it's time for the next step. We're about to find out just how big love can get.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wild Things
At the moment I am sitting in a very pleasant internet cafe on Playa del Sol in Puerto Vallarta, with plenty of time to update everyone. Erik is on a solitary adventure; he's been spending a lot of time drawing out ideas for all kinds of new architecture and creations for all the structures at the Treehouse so he is currently researching what kinds of building products Puerto Vallarta has to offer. Although we will not be able to even begin real projects on this trip, he is intent on preparing properly. After writing out long (long) lists of Things We'll Need, he wants to make sure that he knows what's already here so that we don't buy too much in the states and travel for miles with unnecessary extra weight.
That's right amigos! We are already planning for another trip to Yelapa. Tentatively planned of course, but we'd very much love to drive to Burning Man late August, and then drive straight down to Puerto Vallarta directly after... until March. Is it possible? Time will tell.
Erik's Aunt Claire and her partner Mary are in Yelapa! We've spent some time with them and the family they are traveling with which include Mark and Linda and their children Leena and Eli, who are outrageously clever and charming and delightful, which makes me miss Corrin and Saunder and Brahm and Maggie just so much more. :)
A couple days ago they trekked up to the Treehouse with a couple horses for the kids, and we all enjoyed a wonderful lunch, in which they named my tuna fish quesadillas 'Laura-dillas', which caused me to feel pretty good about myself because it meant they liked my food! We tied up the horses and went on an adventure upriver some-more, where we swam at The Waterfall. It was a brilliant series of moments, and a truly splendid group of people to be with.
Erik and I quickly hiked back to the Treehouse and grabbed the horses to bring them to the main trail and make it easier on everyone. Luckily, the horses permissed us to ride upon their backs for some of the trail, in which I felt exquisitely happy. Sun shining bright on our faces, azure sky, tropical jungle surroundings and sweet, gentle, horses emitting something royal or regal out to the hills. Corrin, I was a princess that day, and I thought about ya.
I am feeling somewhat disoriented today, to keep-it-real. What is Culture Shock really, when it's not necessarily Culture that shocks the psyche? It is not Yelapa that leaves me feeling like I've landed on Mars. It tends to be trips to Vallarta.. It's great here! But the hustle and bustle and imposing sounds of a city are quite different from the serenity of being at the beach in Yelapa, let alone the Treehouse, where bird songs dominate and the consistent stream sounds of the river maintain a sublime state of mind and heart.
So here, inside a cafe with loud Beyonce Knowles songs (and really I love that woman's voice) among the cumulative conversations, and maybe yes, Erik's absence, I feel slightly disrupted inside. I cannot help but deeply love our days at Erik's ranch upriver and the way it has resolved my mental noise. There are places and spots and specific trails, even beyond the waterfalls and beauty, where something clicks inside and you know you've stepped foot onto sacred ground. And spending days in that kind of gratitude, beaming at the crystal clear cosmos, I have surrendered to it. I am like a kitty on its back, purring wildly and trusting truly.
It was a couple weeks ago when I built my first fire (EVER). And I have built many since! There's another shortcut to zen: learn what fire needs and how you can serve each other best.
A typical day at the Treehouse begins at the first signs of dawn when we wake. The first task is to locate firewood in the chilly forest. Then, we build a fire and boil a pot of water for coffee/tea/drinking water. After a hot breakfast, we swim in the river, and dress for the day. At this point usually the sun is blasting onto the high cliff house, and will slowly make its way down to the river bank as the sun rises from above the hill.
There's plenty to do, but we have all day to employ ourselves when it feels right. Plenty of leisurely time is spent reading in the hammock, and I have already read more than I thought was possible in three weeks. All the books I have finished so far are The Education of Little Tree, Harvest for Hope by Jane Goodall, The Fifth Sacred Thing by Starhawk, and The Shack, and I am now working on finishing the Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton, Women Who Run With Wolves by Clarissa Estes, and the Tao of Pooh.
I recommend The Fifth Sacred Thing!! Especially for Baylee and Colleen. You both would appreciate the idealistic Utopian society and its Wiccan and magickal qualities and possibilities.
Almost every day we also walk 8+ miles. This is one of my favorite things to do during the day! The beauty of the path to the village and the beach is outrageous, and there's always friendly people to greet us '¡Buenos Dias!' and '¡Buenos Tardes!' Why don't I enjoy the path so much at night? Ohhh amigos how the jungle comes alive at night... One night on the walk home from a lovely day at the village, we almost kicked a huge toad that was attempting, with all its might, to swallow a scorpion. We watched in fascination as the toad flinched as the scorpion stung it repeatedly, but '¡Noooo hombre!' the toad seemed to say, 'You're mine!' as it held the beast deep inside its throat.
Almost five minutes later, another scorpion crossed the path in front of my feet. Erik said 'You were thinking about scorpions, weren't you?' and I had to admit, yes, I probably attracted that scorpion right to my feet ReSet amigos. For the next three miles I silently chanted 'I attract positive and pleasurable creatures and experiences,' a mantra I created at the beginning of the trip to keep the things-that-bite-or-sting at bay. Sure enough, I only saw the kaleidoscope of spider eyes glimmering like estrellas, stars, among the brush that surround the path. But they just stood, on their 8 legs, watching the strange giant gringos as they passed.
The dense trails of cutter ants that cross the path in about 6 different places are only bothersome if you sense one or two may have accidentally slipped into your sandal. Really though, my fascination for their superior strength in carrying pieces of wood and leaves just really makes me bow down in respect. 'Buenos noches' I whisper sincerely in their general direction.
When it gets dark, Erik and I will usually light all our candles on the beach of the river and enjoy dinner or hot chocolate under the stars, talking about hopes and dreams. About an hour or two after it gets dark, it feels so good to climb into bed and fall asleep as fast as shooting stars. Insomnia? What's that? Not here. And it's quite loud at night here. Loud in a moving-river-cricket-croaking-electric-bug sounding way. It is blessed and it is soothing.
And when we wake we never know how much sleep we actually got. This is my favorite part, I'm realizing. Because here I must measure how rested I am by how I feel, and without knowing the exact number of hours, it's really very easy to just feel damn good.
Can I just tell you about Henry now? Henry is our resident Garrobo. Basically, a garrobo is a more aggressive iguana that tends to be slightly smaller (SLIGHTLY) and mostly black and yellow versus the colorful rainbow that our dear and tender and tame iguanas dote. I met him up at the cliffhouse during my first week at the Treehouse. He was just hanging out, looking at the view over the cliff, watching birds and stuff. My presence irritated him, I could tell because he just watched me with those reptilian eyes that say 'Don't think for one second I have feelings. Dang you're sure weird lookin'. I'm just gonna check you out some.' And he did that, just watched me intently and slowly, achingly, climbed sideways down the cliff and into the safety of a tree.
And I blessed him with the name Henry, because well, my friend Beth had a very pretty fish she named Henry and he died several days later. Her next fish was Mervin. And after Mervin died she kept naming her fish those kinds of names no one names their boys anymore.
Anthropomorphizing the garrobo has been extremely enjoyable. Henry visits regularly, and we discovered yesterday that he lives right in the enormous rock that serves as the cliff's back wall. I saw him slip into a slender crevice, and I squeaked 'Bye Henry!' very very sincerely. Which made me realize just how much I miss cats like Seth and Orangie. And all cats that purr and rub their heads and palms and talk back prolifically.
Last night I'm pretty sure I heard Henry come out and walk around. Erik thought it was a mouse but I'm convinced he really just missed us.
I'll show you guys vids of this goodness when I return.
Laura Lee Lolly LouLouBelle Laelu land
That's right amigos! We are already planning for another trip to Yelapa. Tentatively planned of course, but we'd very much love to drive to Burning Man late August, and then drive straight down to Puerto Vallarta directly after... until March. Is it possible? Time will tell.
Erik's Aunt Claire and her partner Mary are in Yelapa! We've spent some time with them and the family they are traveling with which include Mark and Linda and their children Leena and Eli, who are outrageously clever and charming and delightful, which makes me miss Corrin and Saunder and Brahm and Maggie just so much more. :)
A couple days ago they trekked up to the Treehouse with a couple horses for the kids, and we all enjoyed a wonderful lunch, in which they named my tuna fish quesadillas 'Laura-dillas', which caused me to feel pretty good about myself because it meant they liked my food! We tied up the horses and went on an adventure upriver some-more, where we swam at The Waterfall. It was a brilliant series of moments, and a truly splendid group of people to be with.
Erik and I quickly hiked back to the Treehouse and grabbed the horses to bring them to the main trail and make it easier on everyone. Luckily, the horses permissed us to ride upon their backs for some of the trail, in which I felt exquisitely happy. Sun shining bright on our faces, azure sky, tropical jungle surroundings and sweet, gentle, horses emitting something royal or regal out to the hills. Corrin, I was a princess that day, and I thought about ya.
I am feeling somewhat disoriented today, to keep-it-real. What is Culture Shock really, when it's not necessarily Culture that shocks the psyche? It is not Yelapa that leaves me feeling like I've landed on Mars. It tends to be trips to Vallarta.. It's great here! But the hustle and bustle and imposing sounds of a city are quite different from the serenity of being at the beach in Yelapa, let alone the Treehouse, where bird songs dominate and the consistent stream sounds of the river maintain a sublime state of mind and heart.
So here, inside a cafe with loud Beyonce Knowles songs (and really I love that woman's voice) among the cumulative conversations, and maybe yes, Erik's absence, I feel slightly disrupted inside. I cannot help but deeply love our days at Erik's ranch upriver and the way it has resolved my mental noise. There are places and spots and specific trails, even beyond the waterfalls and beauty, where something clicks inside and you know you've stepped foot onto sacred ground. And spending days in that kind of gratitude, beaming at the crystal clear cosmos, I have surrendered to it. I am like a kitty on its back, purring wildly and trusting truly.
It was a couple weeks ago when I built my first fire (EVER). And I have built many since! There's another shortcut to zen: learn what fire needs and how you can serve each other best.
A typical day at the Treehouse begins at the first signs of dawn when we wake. The first task is to locate firewood in the chilly forest. Then, we build a fire and boil a pot of water for coffee/tea/drinking water. After a hot breakfast, we swim in the river, and dress for the day. At this point usually the sun is blasting onto the high cliff house, and will slowly make its way down to the river bank as the sun rises from above the hill.
There's plenty to do, but we have all day to employ ourselves when it feels right. Plenty of leisurely time is spent reading in the hammock, and I have already read more than I thought was possible in three weeks. All the books I have finished so far are The Education of Little Tree, Harvest for Hope by Jane Goodall, The Fifth Sacred Thing by Starhawk, and The Shack, and I am now working on finishing the Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton, Women Who Run With Wolves by Clarissa Estes, and the Tao of Pooh.
I recommend The Fifth Sacred Thing!! Especially for Baylee and Colleen. You both would appreciate the idealistic Utopian society and its Wiccan and magickal qualities and possibilities.
Almost every day we also walk 8+ miles. This is one of my favorite things to do during the day! The beauty of the path to the village and the beach is outrageous, and there's always friendly people to greet us '¡Buenos Dias!' and '¡Buenos Tardes!' Why don't I enjoy the path so much at night? Ohhh amigos how the jungle comes alive at night... One night on the walk home from a lovely day at the village, we almost kicked a huge toad that was attempting, with all its might, to swallow a scorpion. We watched in fascination as the toad flinched as the scorpion stung it repeatedly, but '¡Noooo hombre!' the toad seemed to say, 'You're mine!' as it held the beast deep inside its throat.
Almost five minutes later, another scorpion crossed the path in front of my feet. Erik said 'You were thinking about scorpions, weren't you?' and I had to admit, yes, I probably attracted that scorpion right to my feet ReSet amigos. For the next three miles I silently chanted 'I attract positive and pleasurable creatures and experiences,' a mantra I created at the beginning of the trip to keep the things-that-bite-or-sting at bay. Sure enough, I only saw the kaleidoscope of spider eyes glimmering like estrellas, stars, among the brush that surround the path. But they just stood, on their 8 legs, watching the strange giant gringos as they passed.
The dense trails of cutter ants that cross the path in about 6 different places are only bothersome if you sense one or two may have accidentally slipped into your sandal. Really though, my fascination for their superior strength in carrying pieces of wood and leaves just really makes me bow down in respect. 'Buenos noches' I whisper sincerely in their general direction.
When it gets dark, Erik and I will usually light all our candles on the beach of the river and enjoy dinner or hot chocolate under the stars, talking about hopes and dreams. About an hour or two after it gets dark, it feels so good to climb into bed and fall asleep as fast as shooting stars. Insomnia? What's that? Not here. And it's quite loud at night here. Loud in a moving-river-cricket-croaking-electric-bug sounding way. It is blessed and it is soothing.
And when we wake we never know how much sleep we actually got. This is my favorite part, I'm realizing. Because here I must measure how rested I am by how I feel, and without knowing the exact number of hours, it's really very easy to just feel damn good.
Can I just tell you about Henry now? Henry is our resident Garrobo. Basically, a garrobo is a more aggressive iguana that tends to be slightly smaller (SLIGHTLY) and mostly black and yellow versus the colorful rainbow that our dear and tender and tame iguanas dote. I met him up at the cliffhouse during my first week at the Treehouse. He was just hanging out, looking at the view over the cliff, watching birds and stuff. My presence irritated him, I could tell because he just watched me with those reptilian eyes that say 'Don't think for one second I have feelings. Dang you're sure weird lookin'. I'm just gonna check you out some.' And he did that, just watched me intently and slowly, achingly, climbed sideways down the cliff and into the safety of a tree.
And I blessed him with the name Henry, because well, my friend Beth had a very pretty fish she named Henry and he died several days later. Her next fish was Mervin. And after Mervin died she kept naming her fish those kinds of names no one names their boys anymore.
Anthropomorphizing the garrobo has been extremely enjoyable. Henry visits regularly, and we discovered yesterday that he lives right in the enormous rock that serves as the cliff's back wall. I saw him slip into a slender crevice, and I squeaked 'Bye Henry!' very very sincerely. Which made me realize just how much I miss cats like Seth and Orangie. And all cats that purr and rub their heads and palms and talk back prolifically.
Last night I'm pretty sure I heard Henry come out and walk around. Erik thought it was a mouse but I'm convinced he really just missed us.
I'll show you guys vids of this goodness when I return.
Laura Lee Lolly LouLouBelle Laelu land
Friday, February 13, 2009
Warm
I am so happeeeeee!!
Tomorrow it´s back to jungle living at the Treehouse..
I don´t know how much we´ll be online from tomorrow on, but Happy Valentine´s Day! I love you Mom, Dad, Brad, Zander n KayKay, Chi Chi, CoCo, Dan and Sally and family, all my new and old friends, and those that visit in dreams.
Sunshine is good for the soul.
Love,
Lolly
Tomorrow it´s back to jungle living at the Treehouse..
I don´t know how much we´ll be online from tomorrow on, but Happy Valentine´s Day! I love you Mom, Dad, Brad, Zander n KayKay, Chi Chi, CoCo, Dan and Sally and family, all my new and old friends, and those that visit in dreams.
Sunshine is good for the soul.
Love,
Lolly
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