Thursday, March 11, 2010

Standing On the Edge of Parenthood

I had so many plans for myself this week, being 37 weeks pregnant and finally off work! But my To-Do list sits in front of me unchecked as I have a pity party, home sick with a cold I have officially surrendered to. With puffy hands and fish lips, I sit weighing an extra 39 pounds while our sweet baby rumbles around like a mystery creature renting my womb. Hey honey, your lease is up soon! And we can't wait to meet you.

I figured since I've watched my share of television in the last 5 days, I could do something a little more productive while sitting in a pregnant heap. My harp goes un-played and my knitting projects stay un-knitted from the splendor of pregnancy induced carpal tunnel, but typing is a hand activity my fingers don't seem to resist. So here it goes, Blog, here's our update.

Erik and I were married August 1st 2009.

Absolutely one of the happiest days of my life.

We have been in love now, 2 years today, and since that day I cannot count all the happiest days of my life. Wow, Erik, I really mean that. You have enriched my life to every edge and corner. I treasure our union with humbling gratitude...

Four days before our wedding makes it to the list of happiest-days-of-my-life. The day I found out I was pregnant! It was supposed to be impossible. I had accepted that I may never be a parent to my own flesh and blood, and I had moved on. But there was no doubt that day as my body screamed to me it was pregnant. It screamed to me from dreams in an unsymbolic language. Straight up English -- "Take a damn pregnancy test!"

I jumped up and down and screamed when I read the positive test and yelled out the answer to Erik. Then I got dizzy and had to lay down.

So there it begins.

I was so excited when I was beginning to 'show', but I can't help but giggle at what I thought was a Belly at 8 weeks:

According to our calculations, this is the weekend we conceived our little rumbler! The weekend of July 4th:

That gave us the due date of March 30th, which I never thought would come. Today, I am inside March 11th and I can't believe will be born as parents any day now!

At eighteen weeks, I thought I had ballooooned!!

At 20 weeks, we were blessed with a 45 minute long peak at our little miracle. It was the day we found out we were having a healthy little girl!

I can't remember what exactly lead us into the hands of Gentle Hands Midwifery. I don't remember ever seriously considering an obstetrician, yet I don't recall where in my life I was drawn towards midwifery. I knew nothing about it, and yet it wasn't even a decision that needed to be made. But, alas, all my research has confirmed for me that it is the most conscious and loving decision we could ever make for our unborn. And I love all three of those midwives like crazy.

It's strange, all the unavoidable psychological changes that take place during pregnancy. It's almost as though it's against your will. I went from passionately wanting to produce electronic music to finding myself knitting.


I couldn't help it. I was knitting, and I was investigating how to go about getting a harpsicle harp. My personality had no say in any of this. And I wasn't about to fight the current.

Some of my proudest knitting projects include:

Newborn longies

6 mo booooties

Hooded Baby Carrying Bag

I admit that this pregnancy has been the most intense rollercoaster of my life. I admit that at one point I reached my darkest hour that lasted for weeks. But it was that era of this time that provoked the growth of finding the inner strength I had been searching for my whole life. And it was because it got so dark that I fell so deeply in love with our daughter. I trust that this experience will continue to show me just how strong I can be, and exactly what is most important.

From week 25 on, I have experienced more love and joy than I knew possible.

26 weeks

29 weeks

33 weeks

35 weeks

36 weeks

37 weeks

It's hard to even fit a summary of the last 9 months into a blog entry and I have so much more I'd like to say and share with the world about it. Sometimes I wish I had written more as it was all happening, but I rarely reflected with writing. It's a big realization, too, to think that I will be so busy as a new mother in the next 5 years that I don't know how much commitment to anything besides motherhood I can offer to any of my hobbies and interests. This is it; Erik and I are about to embark on the biggest 'project' of our lives.

We've given a lot of attention to that fact, together, and have cherished these last few weeks with all that it deserves. It is just us for only a little while longer. As anxious as we are to meet our tiny baby, we are acknowledging what we let go of the moment she makes it into our arms. It's bittersweet and wonderful and frightening. It's all a part of our path together, and it's time for the next step. We're about to find out just how big love can get.

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